I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
