the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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