maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
