Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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