Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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