Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
