btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
