I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Randomize