Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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