If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize