guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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