I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
