i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize