Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I touched a dick in church today
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
