When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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