ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
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