He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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