dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
