Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
