My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
