it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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