why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
