1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
We're facebook friends in real life
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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