I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
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