I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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