Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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