I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
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