why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
