I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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