im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
