why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
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