and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
