We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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