In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Are my feet made of real feet?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
