My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
