but the lizard people decide everything anyway
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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