Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
