this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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