Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
