I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
