Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
