Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
