Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
