I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
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