I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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