Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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