I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
