The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
My pussy is not your playground.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
