you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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