When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
love makes seman taste better
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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