Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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