I don't usually arrange sex via text message
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize