I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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