Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize