i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
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