even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
