You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize