my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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