Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
try to milk me bitch
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