I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
